News Until You Puke

    I listen to too much news. I think if I don’t, I’m going to miss the second coming, the tsunami that’s spreading, in an approaching meteor, the rise of meltwater from glaciers, a solar flare that could burn me, an alien invasion, or the next terrorist attack promised for four years. Since I don’t want to miss these things, I listen to too much news.

    Because I listen to too much news, I know too much about beheadings and bullet-riddled bodies. I know too much about car bombs and body parts lying around. There is no way forward in war. I wish I didn’t know, but I do. I wonder where the others went. I only know about these things because I watch and listen to too much news.

    I know too many distorted opinions on too many things. I used to listen to Limbaugh, but I don’t think he believes himself sometimes, and O’Reilly is too angry, smart and depressed for my taste, but I know these guys because I listen to too much news. I’ve heard a few things… in the news about their personal lives, and it was cool to know that they’re not as honest as I’d like. I found out about it from the news. You know, I listen too much. I’m listening to Air America. Now it’s a whole new set, if it ever was. I think they’re cute. They scare me, but I love them. Everyone talks about the government and this administration, that everything I read about them makes me think. They make me feel that the thoughts I have about all the other news that I read are at least normal. At least I don’t feel so alone when I answer all the news I read too much.

    I know too much about politicians, especially Republicans, who love Jesus so much that some seem to like going to war more and more so that he can come back or something. They also have sex, but they are often caught kissing the wrong people, and even with the wrong sex. yes, but to be honest, I read about it on the news. I read that Mrs. Bush recently left the White House because the president was crazy about … Well, other people. Wau, that’s great news. However I haven’t seen this on Fox or AOL, so maybe it’s not news, or maybe it’s just not news to the masses, who knows? Some messages tell me I won’t see this news on the news because it won’t be on the news, so I think we’re going to lose. Hell, the news even tells me that this president may not even be a real president, and so many people have given up their votes, well that’s what Democratic voters did. It would be depressing, but I think it’s true. I’ve heard it’s true, news, twice!

    Because of the news, I know too much about directors who take too much from everyone to get rich. I mean, a lot of them. News tells me how many members of Congress and members of the public accept, but CEOs are doing a good job, too. I see it on the news. Million-dollar birthdays, solitudes that make God envy, because now he doesn’t own all the cattle on a thousand hills. That’s what the former CEO does! Or at least maybe. All smiling chimpanzees, because they always regret after being caught, and so shocked by their innocence, but I bet if no one noticed, they wouldn’t regret it and won’t take any more. But at least we’ll have more news later. I read in the news that Enron just didn’t give the kind of power they said they didn’t have, but he gave and got a lot of money from old Californians who were trying to keep warm or cool… I forgot which ones. I was a little angry. These guys are in jail, but I hope we don’t read in the papers that their best friend, Mr. President, forgives them or something like that on the way out. I read on the news that he could.

    Why am I doing this with myself… you know, I read and listen to all the news and opinions about the news, and the people on the news who write the news and want the news to never be found? How many heads in boxes do I really want to know about people or people crushed by earthquakes? I have to say, if I’m not on the news, I’m going to miss the really big ones, whatever they are. I once tried not to watch or listen to the news or the big boys’ opinions about it, but it didn’t work. I was nervous because I didn’t know what I was missing. I once read in the news that they wanted us to be nervous about the news, because fear is a good factor to control us and change all the rules so that we don’t have the same freedoms that we had before they scared us. Gosh, I can’t win with this news! Now I even read the news about why the news is what it is!
    I once read where what I thought was news wasn’t. Rather, it was a government ad designed to look like news. But they got caught. I saw it on the news.

    Well, I think it’s news, news, news, until we get ripped out, or at least until Jesus comes back, closes the press and lets us all go to someone’s chosen church.” Another one so we can be happy. I read where then we must obey the biblical rules and our unruly children and women who were wicked and give tithing to the chosen leaders of God. It would be like the Land of Jesus, but for our own good, gays and fornicators, but no military merchants (what is a merchant?) would kill and we could only watch things like Oklahoma and Nemo loves Noah… and and and and and. … Oh, how sorry I read about the news recording, and I hope it at least gets these people out of here so we can fix what broke them. I’m scared again about reading on the news. I have trouble breathing again… I have to take a walk.

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